Hey, you're looking a little under the weather.
- Are you all right? - He most certainly is not.
He dined on that can of bacon fat you've been hiding under the sink.
Oh, gee. Poor little guy.
You know, bacon grease is bad for dogs.
Ironic, considering its vast health benefits for humans.
- Hello. - Hello. Sorry we're late.
That's all right. We're not having lunch until 1:15.
Oh, great.
Long night, Niles?
Oh, a bit. We were out at a party last night.
At Bill Gates' house.
Really?
Some sort of charity event?
No, no, just a few people over for dinner.
His wife has been following Maris' case and she wanted to meet us.
It seems the story's captured everyone's imagination.
People wanna get the inside scoop.
- Their house is enormous. - Mm.
I got lost going to the loo, but a voice in the wall guided me back.
Sounds like fun. Anyway, I thought after lunch
we might stop by the museum for the Goya exhibit.
Actually, we're going tomorrow night with the Blenkinsops.
Tomorrow?
But the museum's closed tomorrow.
Oh, not for Bunny and Bruce.
Well, well.
With all the rarefied elbows you've been rubbing lately,
I'm surprised you could find the time for lunch with a commoner like me.
Oh, now stop.
But if we could get going, I have a perfume launch at 4.
Oh.
It's a pretty lady holding some mail.
Oh, you didn't pull that trick again, did you?
I've no idea what you're talking about.
Step aside. Don't want her to slip it under the door.
- Hello. - Hi. Sorry to disturb you.
- Your mail got mixed in with mine. - Oh, dear. How did that happen?
I don't know. Some of it just seemed to be jammed in there.
Really? Well, you know, we must make allowances
for our mailman. He's a veteran.
- So, uh, my name's Dr. Frasier Crane. - Caroline Harvvich.
Nice to meet you. And, uh, this is my family.
- Uh, my father, Martin Crane. - Hi.
My sister-in-law, Daphne, my brother, Niles.
- Hello. - You look awfully familiar.
- Have we met? - I am somewhat of a media figure.
No, your brother.
You're Niles Crane from that big murder case. I saw you on the news.
Mm. He's been on three times this week.
- He's practically famous. - Oh, well. Ha, ha. Hardly famous.
My brother doesn't like to toot his own horn.
You know, I was discussing that very personality type today
on my very popular radio show.
- Oh, right, right, Dr. Frasier Crane. - Yes.
- My mother listens to you. - Oh.
Well, anyway, it was nice meeting you all.
- Likewise. - Take care.
- Bye-bye. - Yes, bye. Ha-ha-ha.
You know, isn't it nice to know there are honest people in the world?
How come your mail never gets mixed up with that sweaty fat guy's upstairs?
We should really be going.
Yes. Yes. You know, I'm afraid we'll have to be lunching at Vindaloo.
- I couldn't get us in at Le Toque. - Oh.
Oh, no... Well, you know, maybe I should call.
I've had the best luck with restaurants lately.
They swore they were absolutely booked solid.
Oh, dear.
Hello? Wondering if you could possibly squeeze in three for lunch today.
That's Dr. Crane.
No, uh, actually Niles.
Oh, how lovely. Thank you. We'll see you in a bit.
- Oh, hey, Fras. - Oh, hi.
I'm so sorry about the show. I was a little distracted.
Yes, I sensed that when you patched through Wanda
who wanted to know what our soup of the day was.
My sister Denise is in town.
I hate it when she visits.
She isn't happy until she makes me feel completely miserable.
Do you know what she called my place?
Cosy.
- Well, that's a compliment. - No, it's code for "smaller than hers."
Cappuccino, please.
She wraps every insult up in a compliment.
When I try to call her on it, she says:
"Hon, I was trying to be nice. You're so sensitive."
And, of course, everything in her life is so perfect.
- Her home, her husband. - Mm.
Her stretch of highway she keeps clean.
- She's so competitive. Thank you. - Mm.
Well, if it's any comfort, Niles has been perfectly insufferable of late.
This whole Maris affair has gained him some mild notoriety.
He's been flaunting it like a tattered boa.
I'm trying to do the right thing, and rise above it,
but there are times when I wanna step on his feet. And hard too.
- Ha, ha! - Denise.
- Frasier, hi. - Hello, Denise, how are you?
- Good to see you. - Mwah.
- You are looking very distinguished. - Thank you.
- That's code for "old." - I know.
Oh, I am so sorry I'm late.
Craig called. The poor thing, he misses me so much
it's just impossible to get him off the phone.
I hope this makes it up to you.
Now, Roz, I know you love your sportswear.
But trust me, men like women who wear dresses once in a while.
So you've said.
- You having fun on your trip? - Oh, yes.
Staying with Roz is always so much fun. It's sort of like camping.
Oh. Hello?
It's my contractors.
Take my advice, never build a pool house.
Oh. Hon, I picked us up a Seattle magazine
so we could find some fun things to do this week. Ha, ha.
Does that include rolling it up, turning it sideways and...
Now, Roz,
at least she's trying.
She did get you a gift, after all.
And look, it's very chic and expensive, I'm sure.
Oh. And two sizes two small.
- All right, she's a bitch. - Thank you.
Hey, hey, it's Mr. Seabees.
- The nominations are in? - Yep.
- Two of them. - Oh, Roz!
- Oh, yay! - Actually, they're both for Frasier.
You're up for Best Host and Best Informational Special,
which gives you the lifetime record for most nominations.
Oh, my God. I'm... I'm so flattered.
I hope you'll join me at my table.
Oh, those awards are endless. They're torture.
- Can I bring my sister? - Of course. Ha, ha.
Oh, look,
it's Niles.
Are you gonna tell him you broke the Seabees record?
If it comes up.
You know, we should take advantage of this thing.
I got a friend at the Seattle Times who owes me.
I could ask him to write a big profile on you.
Thank you, no, Kenny.
Let others engage in that sort of shameless self-promotion.
I'm not interested in playing that sort of game.
Oh, Niles, hi.
Frasier, I'm so sorry, I have to cancel tonight.
I'm going to go hear Tony Bennett.
Oh, really? Really? Where's he playing?
At Frank Gehry's birthday party.
- Speaking of glamorous parties... - Oh, no.
Is that Seattle magazine? I was hoping you hadn't seen it.
- Seen what? - Oh, nothing, nothing.
It's a silly thing.
It's Page 30.
One of those What's-Hot-What's-Not lists.
I love these. "Heirloom tomatoes, hot."
- "Sun-dried tomatoes, not." - Give me that, give me that.
"Dr. Niles Crane, hot.
"Dr. Frasier Crane..." You can see where they're going with this.
Well, we'll just see who's not hot
when the winter-spring edition of Seattle Broadcaster comes out.
For your information, Niles, I...
- Excuse me. I'm so sorry. Oh, dear. - Let me get some coffee.
Oh. Hello? Hello, Daphne.
A delivery from Bill and Mindy?
Aren't they sweet?
No, don't uncrate it till I get home.
Kenny, about that article...
Way ahead of you, doc.
He'll make for a great profile.
The Seabees record holder, doctor, big ladies' man.
- Ha, ha. - The whole ball of wax.
Yeah, well, you can ask him yourself.
Hello?
Yes, well, when would be a good time for you?
Oh, I just had the greatest idea.
Why don't you interview me while we're at the Seabee Awards?
Yes, it'll be a free-wheeling chat against a glittering backdrop.
Ha, ha. Splendid. I will see you anon.
Hey.
No, he always talks like that.
Why are you taking him to the Seabees?
I want him to see me at my best.
Do you realise I'm giving the opening remarks this year?
And if I do say so myself, they will change you.
Yeah, from an awake person to a sleeping one.
Perfect.
All I was lacking was the appropriate arm candy to accompany me.
And there she is.
- Who's she? - A neighbour of mine in the building
whose acquaintance I recently made.
Right. Daphne told me you pulled that old mail trick out of mothballs.
Caroline?
- Frasier, hello. - Hi.
- Good to see you. - Cappuccino to go.
Thank you so much for those flowers.
Oh, gosh. It was the least I could do
after that stumblebum of a mailman made you do his job for him.
I'd send him a complaint letter if he'd get it.
Ha-ha-ha! That's delightful.
Listen, uh,
I hope this isn't too bold but, you see,
I've been nominated for a broadcast award.
Twice, actually. And I was...
Well, there's a black-tie gala on Saturday night.
I was hoping you could accompany me.
Well, thank you. I'd love to.
Oh, fantastic. I'll pick you up around 7:30.
Well, I worked my magic. Ha, ha.
That magnificent creature will be accompanying me on Saturday night.
Frasier, the awards are Saturday morning.
Uh...
Well, of course they're not.
- Yes, they are. - Roz, who would ever plan
an awards ceremony on a Saturday morning?
Kenny was in charge this year. He booked the room too late.
- See you this weekend. - Uh, yeah, bye-bye. Uh, right.
Oh, and don't forget, I'll pick you up at 7:30, Saturday morning. Heh.
Bye-bye.
- Saturday morning? - Oh.
Yes, yes, did I...? I did mention that, didn't I? Oh, gosh.
It seems that the Seabees are gonna be a cheery breakfast event this year.
But I tell you, the good news is, I'll be able to get you home by noon.
Ha, ha. Bye-bye.
Yeah, I don't think that's gonna work for me.
I have Pilates on Saturdays.
Oh.
Gosh, I wish you'd said something sooner.
- Sorry. Bye-bye. - Yeah.
Oh, you can't blame her, Frasier.
Who wants to get into hair and makeup at 8:00 in the morning?
Well, somebody better. I'm being profiled.
It's gonna look like I can't scare up a date.
You scared that one pretty good.
Cindy, where are you? Listen, this thing's about to start. Uh...
Well, I'm sorry you broke your heel,
but can't you just put on a different pair of shoes?
Oh.
Your actual heel. Ouch.
Well, uh, feel better.
Roz? Are you sure this dress didn't fit you?
Because I'm just swimming in it.
May I have two Bloody Marys, please?
There's a 20 in it for you if one is poisoned. I don't care which one.
Well, there's a face I'm happy to see.
- Frasier. - Not you, Roz.
Uh, Denise, listen. Uh, could you do me a small favour?
- Mm-hm. - You see, uh, my date didn't show up,
and there's a reporter here today doing a story on me.
- Could you pretend to be my date? - Well, sure.
First the valet hits on me and now this.
- Hi, guys. - Yes.
It's some spread. They got pigs in a blanket lying on an omelette pillow.
And check it out. It's snowed cheese.
Oh, Roz, Larry Gamba couldn't make it.
- If he wins, can you accept? - Sure.
Nothing takes the sting out of not being nominated
like accepting an award for my former intern.
Now, Roz, don't frown.
Those lines don't go away.
Hey, there, Randy. Over here. This is the reporter.
- Here he is, the doc himself. - Lovely to see you.
- Thanks for coming. - Roz Doyle, his producer.
Yes, yes, and this is my dad, Martin Crane.
- Dad, could you move over? - Oh, sure.
Thank you, Kenny. Yes. Here we are.
And I'd like you to meet my date,
the lovely and talented Denise Dawson.
- Oh, honey, stop it. - Ha, ha.
- It's a pleasure to meet you. - Very nice.
So I'm so glad you could join us on our gala morning.
- Is this thing always so early? - No.
But the Seabees have always been the wayward maverick of award shows.
See, in fact, I plan to touch on that in my opening remarks,
while hewing to my original theme
of communication as the engine of social progress.
Sounds great. Could I get a big cup of coffee, please?
- What's Niles doing here? - I gave him Ronee's ticket.
She said she hated to miss it, but she didn't wanna come.
You know, I'm sorry I'm late. I had to distribute some sound bites.
That's quite all right. I'm very excited to meet you.
Randall Schoonover of the Seattle Times.
Oh. Hello, hello.
He's doing a profile of me. "A day in the life of Frasier Crane."
If there's anything you'd like to tell my readers...
Oh, uh, thank you. I'm just here to support my brother.
Supports his brother.
Oh. Well, I guess it's time for me to give my opening remarks.
Ha, ha. You just, uh, sit tight
and, uh, I'll be back in 20 minutes.
You wanna give me a cue so I know when to play you off stage?
Ah. You will feel the pace quicken as I build to my climax,
which is a grim verbal picture of the world without broadcasting.
Just tell me the last words.
I'll say "Thank you."
Good morning.
I'm Dr. Frasier Crane and it is my great honour to stand before you,
my fellow luminaries,
and welcome you to the Seattle Broadcasting Awards.
I hope to do justice to the dignity of this most august occasion.
I have been asked to inform everyone that we are running low on sausage,
so if you would please limit yourselves to one link or patty.
Thank you.
Wait, I'm not finished. Oh.
- Thanks, Frasier. - Oh, thank you. You're welcome. Bye.
Now, who wants to hand out some hardware?
Angela DiStefano.
Keith Meebly.
And Chet Hardy, the legendary host of It's Your Dime.
So many greats this year.
- This is for you, my dear. - Oh.
Hello?
Oh, hi, Craig.
Ahem. Um, honey, I've gotta take this.
- Oh. Okay. Uh, hurry back, love. - Okay?
So, Randall, where were we?
Your brother was just telling me how Maris is coping with jail.
So is it true that Maris tried to break out?
Oh, no, no, no. Her eyebrow pencil simply rolled out of her cell
and she went to get it.
It's really the jail's fault for making those bars so far apart.
This is really my brother's day.
And now the nominees for Best Informational Special.
Doc, this is you.
Riley Austin for Underground Skateboarder.
Harper Norton for Inside the State House.
And Dr. Frasier Crane
for The Young Person's Guide to Depression.
And the winner is:
Riley Austin.
I'm just gonna track down some Sweet 'N Low.
Well, Niles, you should have powdered your nose
if you planned to spend time in my spotlight.
- I was just making conversation. - Well, stop it.
Knock it off, you two. You can't share this reporter,
I'm gonna ask him to leave.
Roz, get ready. This is Larry's category.
I can't believe that happened.
Well, it's all right. I'm still up for best host.
Craig. He's leaving me.
What?
He met someone else.
I can't believe this is happening to me.
And the winner is Larry Gamba for KACL.
Roz, get up there.
- This is so terrible. - I know. I know.
How would you know what it's like to lose a husband, Roz?
You never even had one.
Accepting the award is Roz Doyle.
Um, thanks, Plum.
Um, Larry couldn't be here today, but if he were here, he would say, um:
Yes!
Thank you, God!
Yes! This is the best day of my entire life.
I have been waiting for this since I was a little girl.
Yes. You have no idea how much this means to me.
Yes!
Thank you. Thank you so much.
I hate men.
- Now, now, Denise... - Shut up.
- You're all the same. - Listen, Denise, I know...
- Get your hands off me! Stop that. - No, I know...
There's no need for you to write that down.
And now the nominees for Best Radio Call-in Host.
Get ready. This one has your name on it.
It better because this whole show has been a nightmare.
Not that it could be a nightmare, because it's midmorning.
And the Seabee goes to:
The late Chet Hardy for It's Your Dime.
Sorry, son. You can't beat a dead guy.
Dead. That's the best kind of guy.
Well, I think maybe I have enough.
Oh, no, please, don't go.
Uh, listen, the show will be over very soon.
They have a bat mitzvah booked for noon.
So maybe we could finish up in the lobby.
- Okay, I'll get my coat. - Thank you.
- I hope you can join us, Niles. - Oh, uh...
Don't you dare.
You have been monopolising that man's time all morning.
You should be thanking me for distracting him from this circus.
You've been the ringmaster of your own media circus for the last week.
It's just killing you, isn't it?
If you think I am jealous of your tawdry notoriety,
then you don't know who I am.
Just like most of the people in this city.
You go too far.
Doc, that's Jerry Edwards. He's supposed to close the show.
Is he all right?
Oh, no. You knocked his glass eye out.
You're gonna have to close the show.
- What? - Well, you took him out.
And you'll be the only guy in history to open and close the Seabees.
Really?
Nobody's ever done that before?
But I don't have anything prepared.
Don't worry. It's on the teleprompter.
Now get up there and sing. It's to the tune of "Moon River."
Oh. Think I just kicked something.
♪ The Seabees now are at an end. ♪
♪ We hope you've made a friend or two. ♪
♪ And the Seabees ♪ ♪ Have great freebies. ♪
♪ Just pick up your bag ♪ ♪ At the door to your right. ♪
- Found it. - That's an olive.
♪ The Seabees ♪ ♪ We hope your day was great. ♪
♪ And, yes, we validate right there. ♪
♪ See Rico. ♪
♪ Eduardo or Jen. ♪
♪ They'll bring it round the bend. ♪
♪ A Hyundai or a Benz. ♪
♪ The Seabees are through ♪